Updating Classic Boardgames for Contemporary Children

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Concerned with the viability of old fashioned board games in a world dominated by digital media, Hasbro has decided to unveil the first of many classic children’s board games that have been updated to appeal to the modern youth.

The first is the classic game of Operation. Hasbro updated the new Operation with cutting edge technology and a modern twist. Players are given surgical implements including scalpels, forceps and plasma welders to cut, bandage, amputate, stitch and mutilate the patient. The game board features a pressurized fake blood cartridge guaranteed to add a new level of excitement to the game. Painful actions committed on the game board illicit a moan, whimper or blood curdling scream depending on the voracity of the player. The light up nose is kept as homage to the previous games but is nonfunctional.

Hasbro Senior Game Designer Mickey Samposi describes the company’s shift in content as economically necessary. “Do you know the average age a kid who sees his first decapitation? Seven! Seven [expletive] years old! Back in the sixties we had adults who didn’t even know what that meant! But times have changed…we gotta stay current to stay in business. These kids get video games where they beat, torture and kill people as birthday presents. How is little Jimmy going to want to pull plastic wishbone pieces out of a board game when he just spent three hours braining hookers with a tire iron and finger painting in her blood? I’ll tell ya how…he ain’t gonna want to! All kids want to do today is kill hookers and watch those Saw movies. I’m not making this up; we’ve spent fortunes on researching these damn kids.”

Samposi has no qualms about revamping a tried and true game to make it more accessible to a new generation. “Take a look at Hollywood! What have you seen in the past ten years that wasn’t already a book, movie, comic book or video game? The formula works! I hear they’re about to remake Turner and Hooch with Michael Clarke Duncan as Hooch! And you know what? It’ll make a friggin’ mint!”