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Posted by Luis on January 27th, 2011 :: Filed under Articles,Comics
Tags :: bigfoot, coast to coast, sasquatch, steve, werewolf
Worst of 2010: Worst Album
It’s that time of year again where we are encouraged to stand in judgement of the still cooling corpse of the previous year. The Golden Globes, the Grammys and various Top 10 and Best Of lists are starting to trickle in like guests at a funeral. Everyone everywhere is ready to line up and eulogize 2010, glorifying its eye shattering golden moments of triumph and spectacular sparkling splendor. But perhaps 2010s most staggeringly euphoric glittering monuments of perfection and ecstasy aren’t its most notable and lasting impressions, perhaps the moments and contributions of 2010 that are its most notable are its wild and most frantic grasps in the dark. Now, I don’t mean to speak badly of the dead, lest God punish me with visions of sugarplums that dance in my head (the bible is very unclear about how God plans to punish those who speak badly of the dead, my illustrated children’s bible anyway), but I think we need to know the truth about 2010 and it’s darker side. Things like that one time, when it thought nobody was looking, 2010 kicked a dog and then stole its candy… and by dog, I mean child dressed as a dog… and by candy, I mean innocence. Among these crimes is one most heinous; a brain bleeding delve into the crumbling psyche of a madman, madchild, madgrandmotherfather, madam and various other madpeople… which segways us perfectly into…
WORST ALBUM OF 2010: Eddie Murphy’s The Klumps
Now, you might say “Luis, wasn’t The Klumps a completely hilarious movie and not an album at all?”, to which I would say “Yes, but I think our opinions are based on completely different assumptions, and I really think you should be focusing on some kind of ventilation solution because this meth gas floating around in here is really starting to worry me, and the last thing I want to see is this trailer go up in a toxic fireball with you running across your ‘yard,’ alight with meth-fire. Oh wait, thats the first thing I want to see.” It turns out that Eddie Murphury always saw the Klumps as his magnum opus, sprawling three movies, a Krillogy if you will… Trillump… Krillumpogy. When The Klumps II opened to abysmal reviews and disappointing box office numbers, the studios behind it pulled the funding and support from The Klumps III, quashing the chilling crescendo to the grand symphony that was to be The Klumps trilogy.
"Look kids, it's a star falling into the maddening, gibbering depths of the subconscious, where no light can penetrate."
While incredibly disappointed and deeply disturbed by the failure and forced amputation of his masterpiece, Murphy buried himself in his work, quickly regaining his feet and setting his dream aside. But the dream never died. It squatted in the back of his mind like a chupachupacabras over the drained corpse of a chupacabras, feeding on his loss, fears and failures. It wasn’t until the loss of Eddie’s close friend, Michael Jackson, that he received a moment of clarity. An idea of a construction so divine, so immaculately conceived, that angels… brought it to him or something, I don’t know. He would finish the saga of the Klumps as an album. Preparations were made and studio space was rented, but Eddie quickly found his head below water without the aid of his good friend and former producer, Rick James. Haunted by the absence of his partners in musical crime, his masterpiece devolved into the ramblings of a madman wrought with guilt and self pity… or buckwheat, both equally unintelligible.
The rapid decline is evident in the track listing:
1. Chapter 1: Introduction
2. The Confession
3. The Reaction
4. The Overreaction
5. That Which We Do Not Mention
6. Chapter 2: A Family’s Secret
7. The Silence Hereafter
8. The Void From Which Nothing Returns
9. My Girl Wants To Party Independently Of A Linear Interpretation Of Time
10. Space Tranny
Posted by Luis on January 26th, 2011 :: Filed under Articles,Reviews
Tags :: Eddie Murphy, worst of 2010
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